Dear Writers of FanFiction
by Iroh's Wisdom
Summary: The ℱellowship of The ℛing would like to have a few words with us concerning some of the cliché stories that are abundant on this branch. I suppose we can say that the most of them are a tad bit peeved • Canon and Pairings, mostly • Will accept Requests/Suggestions • Chapter 43: "Sarcastis!Legolas ON - What He Is" • Please Read • T for safety • R&R! • CH43UP!
1. Aragorn's Romantic Life

**A/N: I will be updating this regularly!**

**Disclaimer: This is meant to be pure humour and to not offend anybody, read at your own risk. I do not own Lord of The Rings or it's characters, that all belongs to the brilliance that is J.R.R. Tolkien.**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

I am completely and wholly devoted to and in love with Arwen. Not Legolas, not Boromir and certainly _not_ Gandalf.

Sincerely,

Aragorn II, son of Arathorn

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**A/N: ****Next chapter will be from the elves!**


	2. Elves and Pleasure?

**A/N: Chapter two! Thanks for the favorites, reviews and follows!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything by Tolkien.**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

The ear of elves are not overly sensitive, and do not give the bearer sexual pleasure when you;

_bite_ them, _nibble_ them, _pinch_ them, or _anything_ else.

Sincerely,

The Lothlórien, Mirkwood and Rivendell Elves

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**A/N: If you got here read and review please!**

**(Sorry for the language. Which I know isn't much, but still :) )**


	3. Gollum, Baggins, Love

**A/N: Hello :) Thank you all for your lovely reviews!**

**Disclaimer: I don't anything created or already owned by the precious and glorious Tolkien.**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

I's despises the Bagginses, alls of them. They's not's my precious.

They stole's my precious. I wills _always_ despises them.

Sincerely,

Gollum

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**A/N: If you got this far I'd love to hear what you think! **

**Seriously, what's up with these Gollum/Frodo or Gollum/Bilbo stories? Ew.**


	4. Haldir's Adamant Opinion

**[edit: sorry for those who read the original]**

**A/N: Thanks for your reviews~!**

**Disclaimer: You know the drill...**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

When The Fellowship came to stay at Lothlórien _nothing_ happened between Legolas and I. Nothing.

Sincerely, Haldir of Lothlórien

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**A/N: Thanks for reading!**


	5. Sarcastic Legolas DOES NOT like AU!

**A/N: 3 updates in one day, I'm on a roll...**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of The Rings.**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

I'm not quite positive that I could pinpoint the date when _I hopelessly fell in love with Arwen_, perhaps it was when _I decided to leave The Fellowship_, or maybe when _I moved from Mirkwood to The Shire_.

Now that I'm thinking about it, it had to be when Gandalf changed my gender to female and I then continued to _kiss Aragorn every chance that I got_...

Pe-channas! Ego, mibo orch!*

Sincerely,

Prince Legolas of Mirkwood

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**A/N: Thanks :D**

**[* translation; Idiots! Go kiss an orc!]**


	6. Pippin, The Mischevious!

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews!**

**Discalimer: No, I don't own anything made by Tolkien.**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

I thank you! You should have seen the faces of Legolas and Gimli when I read them a tale about them being wed! Gimli lost his lunch!

Sincerely,

Peregrin (Pippin) Took

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**A/N: What about second breakfast?**

**They've probably never heard of it, Pip.**

**Love that part :D**


	7. Gimli's Revenge

**A/N: Thankies for the favorites, follows and ****_reviews._**

**Disclaimer: I henceforth proclaim to thee, the rights of thy creator, J.R.R. Tolkien. Lord of The Rings belongs to he, and non-other then ****_he._**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

I see that our wee hobbit found the fable of Legolas and I quite amusing. No matter, I'll just show him the story about him being a slave of a _peculiar_ kind to the Uruk-hai and I'm sure he will live the horror that has been bestowed unto me. (One of you owe me my lunch, by the way.)

Sincerely,

Gimli, Son of Glóin

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**A/N: Thanks :) ! **


	8. Pippin's Remorse

**A/N: Thanks for my reviewers!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own ****_Lord of The Rings._**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

I hate you...

Sincerely,

Peregrin (Pippin) Took

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**A/N: Haha, poor Pippin!**


	9. Gandalf, The Grammar Professor

**A/N: Thank you all for the overwhelmingly great response to the last chapter and the others before! I appreciate all of your ideas and suggestions! Thought at the moment you may feel like I'm neglecting them, know that I certainly are not! I have written most of them :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of The Rings, though if I did, it would be drastically different :D**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

If you have things such as "spell check" or "grammar correction" please, _do not refrain_ from using it.

Sincerely,

Gandalf the Grey

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**A/N: If you enjoyed this chapter or any others please review! :)**


	10. Counting Fellowship Members with Merry

**A/N: Thank you all so much for your favorites, reviews and alerts!**

**Disclaimer: The wonderful Lord of the Rings belongs to the one and only *drumroll* J.R.R. Tolkien!**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

Can you people count? Even Pippin can count, and that's saying something. Count; 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. Nine members of The Fellowship. Not ten and definitley _not_ eleven.

Sincerely,

Meriadoc (Merry) Brandybuck

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**A/N: Thanks!**


	11. Adult-Adolescent Relationships in ME?

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, this is meant to be pure humor and to not offend any author in any way. Read at your own risk! If someone does get offended, please contact me via Private Message, or Review and I will try to mend to situation. Thank you :)**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

Adult-adolescent relationships do not happen - _EVER_.

The Whole of Middle Earth

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**A/N: This is more for the "Hehehe. 16 year old girl woos Aragorn away from Arwen, who's a total biotch! Read plz!" stories. Obviously, those stories are just 16 year old girls living their fantasies through their characters :)**


	12. Sarcastic Legolas - Thranduil Abuse

**A/N: Oh my squirrel. We got OVER 90 reviews last chapter! Thank you all so much, it means a lot! :D**

**Disclaimer: I do not own; Lord of the Rings, or anything else publicly recognizable :)**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

What in th- forgive me! I will return shortly, Thranduil has taken out the whip again...

Man ceril? An ngell nîn, daro!*

Sincerely,

Prince Legolas of Mirkwood

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**A/N: Seriously, guys. What's with Thranduil being an over-abusive s.o.a.o. (Son of an Ork)? Legolas is wondering too.**

**[What are you doing?! For my joy, stop!* addressed to the authors who write Thranduil as abusive.]**


	13. Pet Peeves of A Certain Elvenking

**A/N: I can't believe we got to 111 Reviews! Thank you so much :D (Bilbo Baggins' elventy-first birthday XD)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings! :)**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

I was never of the awareness that I was a _homophobic, over-controlling, physically and emotionally-abusive_ King and father to my children. I deeply wonder if it is not Sauron himself who writes such tales! Who else would write those lies?

Sincerely,

Thranduil, Elvenking of Mirkwood

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**A/N: Thank you all soooo much! **


	14. Frodo and Sam Team Up

**A/N: Woah. You guys have like, blown me away with all of your reviews. Seriously, I'm flying here! (Ergh. That wasn't even funny -.-)**

**Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings belongs to great, the powerful, the amazing J.R.R. Tolkien! *audience claps***

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

We _are not_ a couple.

Sincerely,

Frodo Baggins of Bag End

and

Samwise (Sam) Gamgee of Bagshot Row

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**A/N: So, I heard this really hilarious joke today. If any of you want to hear it, leave a Review and I'll PM you the joke :D**

**You guys are AMAZING, special Lord of the Rings cookies for all! (They have pictures of the characters on them, like Aragorn, etc. What cookie did you pick?)**


	15. The Wrath of Sauron!

**A/N: OMBF. Oh my blushing Faramir! (For AA - MamaBirdCat) 141 Reviews! That's insane! Thank you all XD**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings :D**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

You idiotic fools, DIE!

Sincerely,

Sauron

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**A/N: ****Thanks for the reviews! Yeah guys, I picked a Faramir cookie last chapter :D **


	16. Words From The Fellowship ON - Mary Sue

**A/N: Woah. 181 Reviews?! I feel sooo loved :')**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of The Rings, but I do own the books (four different models), Limited and Extended Edition Movies, and much other memrobilia. If that counts for anything... :)**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

Please don't pair _any of us_ off with these disgustingly perfect girls, who win every fight, have horribly tragic pasts and look "totally uh-mahz-ing". They're incredibly unrealistic, and frankly, none of us are interested in cheap girls.

Honestly, some of you need to stop living your fantasies through your characters. (They shouldn't even be called characters.) Again, w_e are not interested_

Besides... they scare Pippin...

Sincerely,

The Fellowship of The Ring

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**A/N: Thank you all so very much for your lovely reviews, sweet PM's and appreciated Favorites and Follows! It means a lot!**

**Ahh. The long requested letter adressing Mary Sues. I do hope that this fits you guys and gals expectations!**


	17. Thoughts of Arwen

**A/N: Thank you all sooo much for your reviews! !**

**Disclaimer: Lord of The Rings? Not mine. Legolas? If only.**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

As the heir of Elrond and granddaughter of legendary Lady Galadriel I am of the expectance to be tranquil, respectful and beautiful. To have a brilliance in manners and an attitude of elegance that has long been lost over the weariness of time. I am deemed to be sweet, kind and caring, yet still have the ability to fight and defend my loved ones.

Having lived through the Third Age, and being over two and a half millenia old I believe I've had more then enough time to master all of these traits. It would be undoubtedly appreciated if you would stop writing otherwise, thank you very much.

Sincerely,

Arwen Undómiel of Rivendell

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**A/N: Lots of people have been requesting a letter from Arwen about her being a SOAO. So, here it is.**

**Also, I'm thinking of writing a story of LoTR terms I've created. (Like, SOAO; Son of an orc.) Whereas SOAO would be the main term for a chapter, then a background story of how The Fellowship came up with it. But I want to know if you'd guys like to read something like that? Suggestions for terms, etc. are accepted!**


	18. Elladan and Elrohir - Nicknames?

**A/N: ... *crawls to the top of The Misty Mountains* ... *at the top* ... *picks up mysterious megaphone that was lying around* ... I LOVE YOU GUYS! *ahem* For real, thank you all sooo much! 243 Reviews is amazing :D**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, evers the pity. If I did, those beautiful elves would have a lot more fun than the good professor ever allowed them. (Like, dying the lembas bread dough green and putting sap on Legolas' bowstring so his fingers get stuck. I should write a story about sneaky elves...)**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

Despite our being only 73.5% elvish, 23.5% human and 3% Maiar we do not permit our names to be shortened in the likeness that humans do. _We are Elladan and Elrohir_, the proud heir and identical twin sons of Elrond Half-elven and Celebrían, daughter of Galadriel and Celeborn.

_Our names are not 'Dan and 'Ro_, to state so takes away from the true meaning of our names. Elladan meaning Elf-man, signifying the highest and knowing men of Middle Earth - the man of lore and craft. As well as Elrohir meaning Elf-knight or Elf-rider, with it's translation of Star-knight or Star-rider - Knight of the Stars.

If you're willing to write fables about us both, which is very flattering, we approve of you to write as you wish. We do not approve of writing us as 'Dan and 'Ro. We have seen too many tales with us as so, and many others not so, and they are all most _unflattering._

Sincerely,

Sons of Elrond, Elladan and Elrohir

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**A/N: Is it just me, or are the letters from the elves significantly longer then letters from others? I've noticed it, too.**


	19. Frodo is DONE!

**A/N: ... Thank you all sooo much! You guy's just BMBO! Blew my boots off! (Haha. Another LoTR term)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of The Rings.**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

I truthfully ensure you that I am of the male gender! _No!_ Gandalf does not exhibit the power to change myself, otherwise. _NO!_ I will _not_ show you the proof, that is for my eyes only!

Sincerely,

Frodo Baggins of Bag End

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**A/N: Poor Frodo, I think he's fed up with the fangirls! XD**

******Everyone, I introduce you to Aragorn :^|, he's a little upset at the moment because I haven't sent in a letter from him in awhile. **

******Review for ARAGORN! Aragorn! Aragorn! Aragorn! (Anyone catch that reference?)**


	20. Males of ME ON - Mpreg

**A/N: Wow. We just hit 300 Reviews, and have finally reached Letter #20! **

***~!$!fireworks!$!~* I never expected to get this much appreciation! :'^)**

**Disclaimer: Lord of The Rings is NOT mine, if it was I wouldn't be writing stories here, would I?**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

No male man, elf, wizard, or hobbit can get pregnant! Males cannot get pregnant, _period_. Get over it!

Sincerely,

The Males of Middle Earth

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**A/N: Ahh. The ever-debated Mpreg. You either love it, or hate it.**

**Seriously, thank you all so much for your support. It means a lot to me that you guys enjoy this story as much as you do :')**


	21. Elrond's Relationship with Glorfindel

**A/N: It is extremely wonderful and fulfilling to get so many reviews!**

**Disclaimer: Lord of The Rings does ****_not_**** belong to myself, but to J.R.R. Tolkien! What a surprise! :)**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

Glorfindel is numerous things to me, he is a widely trusted acquiantance, and we hold great affection for one another. As elves, we have the blessing of time to build a foundation for a benevolent and fond alliance that mere mortals could never conceive, and he has been beside me through many difficult trials in my long life. We find it quite understandable for you to misconstrue that fortress of devotion to something it is not, to give it a sense of intimacy that you have everlastingly yearned for. Whilst making it a relationship that bounds over that of friendship into the treasured realm of tender love and lust is also understood, it is not comfortably accepted. As I stated before, Glorfindel is _many_ things to me. But he _is not_ a lover.

Sincerely,

Elrond Half-elven,

Lord of Rivendell

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**A/N: I know that I promised to have a Boromir Letter up either this chapter or the one before, but honestly, I couldn't resist posting Elrond's. For that, I apologize and I hope you forgive me. Boromir will be next, my dears!**


	22. Boromir Gives His Opinion

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of The Rings, though I wish I did. Because, seriously, who wouldn't want to be dubbed "The author of the legendarium, LoTR?"**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

What in all of Middle Earth, made you "writers" believe that I would _corrupt my youngling brother, Faramir, of his innocence _enough that you would write it? Has Pippin sold you some Shire weed or something?

Sincerely,

Boromir, Eldest of Denethor II

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**A/N: ****Thank you all soo very much for all of your reviews! 367 is absolutely amazing, we got over 35 Reviews last update!**


	23. Sarcastic Legolas Writes Slash! What?

**A/N: We've gotten over 380 Reviews! That is amazing, thank you all so much!**

**Disclaimer: Lord of The Rings isn't mine, if it was Sam would have gotten more credit.**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

I'm lying in bed on this misty afternoon in Mirkwood, a ghost of a smile upon my face. I chuckle softly, Haldir is murmuring sweetly in his wake beside me, grasping faintly at my supposed "lithe form."

"Gellon ned i galar i chent gîn ned i gladhog*," he whispers.

The pale moon casts it's silver light on us both, giving his fair face a most serene glow. I brush his golden locks lightly with one hand, using the other to continue writing this...

What is this that I'm writing, you ask? _This_ is a lie. (Much like many of your fables!) I do hope you enjoyed it!

Sincerely,

Prince Legolas of Mirkwood

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**A/N: I do apologize for those of you who strongly oppose slash, but this was just how this was written.**

**Besides, I've always imagined Legolas as having quite the sense of humour. Which resulted in this, him writing a scene to get "those Legolas/Haldir fans hopes up" only to shoot them through with an arrow. Hence his sarcastic "I do hope you enjoyed it!" It's funny if you think of it like that :)**

**[Translation: I love to see your eyes shine when you laugh.*]**


	24. Confessions From Aragorn

**A/N: Thank you all so very much for your reviews! :D**

**Disclaimer: Me? Own Lord of The Rings? What you Tolkien 'bout?**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

I've decided to conduct a letter containing things of which I do not have;

I _do not_ have a 12 inch "winger", though it is flattering that you think so.

I _do not_ have any siblings, or any "long lost siblings."

I _do not_ have a ring of marriage from Legolas.

I _do not_ have long, and silky raven hair.

I _do not_ have "juicy, red lips."

Though there are many other things which you all seem to believe, I simply _do not_ have the time to write them all down. I cannot put this in simpler terms for you to understand! Please, do not write me as this foolery!

Sincerely,

Aragorn II, son of Arathorn

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**A/N: Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed this :)**


	25. Pippin and Merry ON - Their Relationship

**A/N: Thank you all so very much for your reviews! We almost got to 440! AWESOME!**

**Disclaimer: If you really think that I own Lord of The Rings my question for you is the same as Pippin's question...**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

_Seriously?_ Me and Merry?

**I know the thought of Pippin and I together might get you all tingly and stuff, but it isn't true. Honestly!**

_Where_ is your common sense?

**They've probably never heard of it, Pip...**

Sincerely,

Peregrin (Pippin) Took and **Meriadoc (Merry) Brandybuck**

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**A/N: I hope you enjoyed it :D**

**Also, for those of you wonder YES this (being "They've probably never head of it,Pip...") is a reference to the movies :)**


	26. Anger Managment, Mr Saruman

**A/N: I'm back...**

**Disclaimer: I only own J.R.R. Tolkien's legendarium in my dreams, and there's a difference between that and reality... so... :D**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

I do _not_ have any _need_ or _desire_ for what you call "Anger Management Classes."

Sincerely,

Saruman the Wise

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**A/N: This wasn't inspired as much by reading Saruman fictions where Saruman takes Anger Management Classes, as I've never really read a Saruman fic ****_and_**** have never seen one containing that. ****_BUT_****, it was inspired by a conversation with a friend where she said that he really needed to take clases for his anger, or something. She said something like "Mmm. Yo angrr boi, yeh, dey got docs fo dat." No, she doesn't really talk like that.**

**Thanks a whole lot for your reviews! Sorry it's been so long (really, only a little over a day and a half) since I updated. But I'm really tired as of late... I apologize. R&R :) **


	27. The Fellowship ON - Miss-Spellings!

**A/N: If you're reading this I thank you for sticking around despite the wait! It means a bunch :)**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Lord of The Rings... This probably would have been an actual book "Pet Peeves of The Fellowship - To: The Fans" :D**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

If you are going to write your fables about us, we beg of you, spell our names correctly! We've constructed a list of your misspellings along with the proper spellings. Each person has written their names personally, thank you.

...

It's spelled Aragorn, not Eraghone! _Or_ Eragon! I _cannot_ stress that enough!

Legolas _not_ Legless...

Gandalf is not spelled Ghandalph! You blasted fools!

Borosmear is not how Boromir is written!

Gimli! Gimli! _NOT_ Gimly! I am not a dwarf lass!

Frodo... write it as that, please.

Merry. M-E-R-R-Y, it isn't M-E-R-R-I-E. Definiltey not M-A-R-R-Y!

Pippin. You don't spell it "Pippen!"

Sam... It's not Salmon or Sahm...

...

Sincerely,

The Fellowship of The Ring

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**A/N: If you enjoyed it please review :) Thanks!**


	28. Sarcastic Legolas ON - Name Meanings

**A/N: Hey! 524 Reviews is AMAZING! :D**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Lord of The Rings you'd never hear about Elladan and Elrohir because I'd keep them to myself to enjoy xD Call me selfish, but those guys are the bomb! (Does anyone even say "the bomb" anymore?)**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

For the love of the Valar and all green things on this earth, Legolas _means_ Greenleaf! You are all _clearly_ experts on me, just as you claim!

Pe-chennais!*

Sincerely,

Prince Legolas of Mirkwood

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**A/N: Sorry about the long wait guys! I kinda got in trouble and my "electronics" were taken away. I hope you enjoyed this sarcastic Legolas, nonetheless!**

**[translation: Idiots!*] Thanks to Fantasystardreamer7 for helping me with the Sindarin!**

**I've been getting a lot of requests to write a "Dear Writers of FanFiction" for The Hobbit! I'll actually be posting the first chapter of that soon, it'll be regarding Durincest if any of you are interested. (i.e. Kili/Fili, Thorin/Fili, Thorin/Kili, Thorin/Kili/Fili) Also, if any of you are even more interested I have another Hobbit story I posted awhile back that you could read :)**

**Sorry for the loong author's note!**


	29. Merry Brandybuck, the Angry

**A/N: Hey :)**

**Disclaimer: The day I own Lord of The Rings is the day I become the wife of Antonio Banderas, and that day isn't today! Sadly.**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction

I'll have you know that Pippin and Frodo are my _cousins_. COUSINS! Please, get that through your heads! We have never had _anything_ to do with each other that even dared step foot into the fantasy realm of "incestual acts."

Were you people dropped on the head as a babe? _Repeatedly?!_

Sincerely,

Meriadoc (Merry) Brandybuck, the Angry

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**A/N: Read and Review if you enjoyed this! :)**


	30. Éowyn's Reasoning

**A/N: Hey, guys :) **

**Disclaimer: Lord of The Rings does not belong to me, though I still definitley are a Ringer!...Ringers UNITE!**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

I admit, my slaying the Witch-king could be interperted as an act that of which a man would normally do. _But_, that doesn't mean I would succumb to doing the tasks of men. Your saying that I _would_ act out perversions such as that of lying with Lady Arwen because of doing a task fit for men is abhorred!

I am in _love_, my course of life has changed on a grand and most delightful scale. I am the _wife_ of _Faramir_, he is the _first_ and _last_ of my loves! I beg of you, understand this!

Sincerely,

Éowyn of Ithilien

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**A/N: I hope that you guys enjoyed this chapter! I had gotten many requests regarding Arwen/Éowyn and to write(ahem.)recieve a letter about it! [ Faramir and Éowyn's grandson, Barahir, actually ****_wrote_**** The Tale of Aragorn and Arwen!]**

**Am I the only one who was majorly dissapointed by the lack of the romantic relationship of Faramir and Éowyn shown in the movies? Jackson missed out!**


	31. Gimli ON - Only 1,015 Stories

**A/N: Two updates in one day :)**

**Disclaimer: Lord of The Rings is owned by the all-powerful J.R.R. Tolkien!**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

Roughly 11,000. That is how many _more_ stories you have written about Legolas then about myself. He's made it his most favored thing to do to remind me of that _every single day_. I believe venegance is in order...

With only 200 stories about me in a romantic relationships, most of which are a relationship _with_ LEGOLAS! I just thought it was wise to tell you that we dwarves are _incredibly dellectable._ By your writing _more_ stories of me I am positive that you will get _more_ reviews.

_No_. I am not informing you of this because Pippin won't stop pestering me about how he has _over_ 2,000 stories about him and that I_ barely_ breach 1,000._ No_. This is not a desperate attempt to stop said pestering. _No!_ This isn't begging! No matter _what_ Legolas tells you!

Sincerely,

Gimli, Son of Glóin

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**A/N: So :) I've recently run out of ideas for this :(**

_**I'd be incredibly thankful if you guys gave me some ideas for what you'd like to see!**_

**Thanks!**


	32. Sauron Has Daughters!

**A/N: Hey! :) Sorry for the looong wait! I've been really busy and I'm sorry! :'(**

**Disclaimer: No, I don't own Lord of the Rings. BUT! I do own this awesome gif I made for Robert Downey Jr.'s birthday, which is today. He's 48 and still looking stunning ;) (4-4-13)**

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Dear Writers of FanFiction,

I _do not_ have any heir, which includes having daughters! Even if I _did_ have a daughter, I would _never_ allow her to befriend any of The Fellowship, nontheless fall in love! _You illiterate fools!_

Sincerely,

Sauron

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**A/N: Thanks for the person who suggested Sauron adressing his having mysterious daughters! Sorry, I couldn't reply to your guys' reviews! My FanFiction PM's weren't working (anyone else have that problem?) but it's working now. Thank goodness!**

**You know, I've got this idea for a fic about either Fili and Kili or Elladan and Elrohir where they both get gravely injured in a battle and all this sad hurt/comfort/tragedy stuff goes on... (I would tell you what happens, but I can't give away the ending.) I'm not sure who I'd like to read/write about more, Elladan and Elrohir or Fili and Kili from The Hobbit... tell me your thoughts in a PM or review!? Thanks!**


	33. Sarcastic Legolas - Luscious Locks

**A/N: Hey :) Sorry for the long wait! I hope you're still around! I've been dealing with a few things this last week! (Kurt Cobain's death, family court issues, I'm head over heels for this guitarist I know. But he's soo much older then me that I have to wait for a couple years to actually atempt in having a relationship with him. He will be mine one day! I'm completely serious, and determined!) The typical teenage stuff ;) **

* * *

Dear Writers of FanFiction,

I'll have you know that my _lusciously delicious and extravagant pearl white locks_ are natural. I assure you, I do _not_ use any special "elf treatments" to make my hair, as you would say, _voluptuous_. Thus, I have_ every_ desire to obssess over it. Because I am _definitely_ an elf-maiden!

Dôl gîn lost!*

Sincerely,

Prince Legolas of Mirkwood

* * *

**A/N: I've finally decided who that Hurt/Comfort/Tragedy story will be written about... *insert a Dave Grohl drumroll here* ...Elladan and Elrohir! I was rooting for them from the beginning, but I wasn't sure who you guys wanted more :)**

**Originally, I had planned for it to be a one-shot. But if you guys would really want it to be a little longer I could probably manage it! I'll start working on it tomorrow! **

**[translation:*Your head is empty!]**

**Review, please :D**


	34. Boromir's Extensive List

**A/N: L I F E. It's quite the bugger sometimes. Someone asked me if I've abandoned this story, I haven't. If I ever do, do know... IT IS NOT THIS DAY!**

**Disclaimer: Lord of The Rings? Mine? What you Tolkien 'bout? (Sorry, I over use that!)**

* * *

Dear Writers of FanFiction,

I've composed a list of things _I am not_, things _I would never do_ and things _I do not have_.

_I am not;_

1.) Sexist

2.) A "complete and utter donkeys ass"

3.) A "pig-headed, conceited, inconsiderate brute"

4.) Homosexual

5.) Aragorn's secret lover

_I would never;_

1.) Watch Merry while he sleeps

2.) Murder all the Fellowship so I could have the Ring

3.) Physically abuse a female

4.) Hold Gandalf's _"staff"  
_

5.) Ask to_ "blow"_ Pippins _"pipe"_

_I do not have;_

1.) A lock of Frodo's hair in my pocket that I sniff while going to bed

2.) An eerie obsession with Hobbit Hair

3.) Secret plans to join Sauron and destroy Middle Earth

4.) Any lust towards ANY of the Hobbits

5.) A Shire weed addiction

I _do_ have the gut to tell you all how incredibly delusional and insane you truly are.

Sincerely,

Boromir, Eldest of Denethor II

* * *

**A/N: Well! I hope you guys enjoyed this! **

**I plan on updating A LOT sooner next time around! The Elladan and Elrohir should be up within two weeks!**


	35. Gandalf's Granddaughters?

**A/N: -long author's notes-beware-**

**Seriously, I am SO sorry! I had meant to update, and****_ I am serious_****. (Why so serious :3 ?) But this whole ordeal at school happened where I was basically told I would have to go to summer school. So, I work hard for about a week, on top of all this make-up work I had to get done by this Friday due to being absent. After _doing all this hard work._ I am told it was a _typo._ A simple. Typo.**

**Yeah. Like I need that stress for myself and my family. ._.**

**MOVING ON!**

**You guys make me feel better :)**

**Disclaimer: Lord of The Rings belongs to one J.R.R. Tolkien. If you didn't know that...well... you've been added to the list of people I might push down a well someday... ;)**

* * *

Dear Writers of FanFiction,

Your level of foolishness exceeds that of a Took.

I, Gandalf the Grey, have no relations such as a granddaughter. I am aware as to how this may be disappointing any of you, and for that I apologize._ No._ I will not come to your birthday party and bring fireworks to make you feel better, please, stop asking.

Sincerely,

Gandalf the Grey

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for sticking around! Maybe we can hit 800 reviews! That. Would make my day.**

**I love you guys! ( In a totally ****_not Criminal Minds_**** unsub way. )**

**Anyone watch that show? If you do PM me and we can fangirl together over the brilliance and amazingsupersexyohmygoshsonerdyandcuteiwanttohughi msomuch-ness of Reid. And Morgan too. Because, honey. That man is delish ;) **

**(Sorry for those males out their that I've probably scared away!) **


	36. Aragorn ON ϟ The Snape Look

**A/N: Wow. "An update and ****_not_**** 20 days after the previous one? What's the catch?" I know, I'm flabbergasted to. I had totally intended to cry over my Charmeleon dying on Route 8 in Pokémon Yellow and not update, but then I got this epiphany and was all like "You know what, they deserve better." **

**Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings isn't owned by me. But I do own my stupidity. How did I just ****_now_**** notice that Charmeleon is supposed to be a Chameleon?**

* * *

Dear Writers of FanFiction,

I have no idea what a _"Snape"_ is or _"The Snape Look"_, but do know that I would never commit to keeping my hair unwashed, days on end, to achieve it.

Sincerely,

Aragorn II, son of Arathorn

* * *

**A/N: I'm sorry guys; I just had to get Harry Potter in here at some point. **

**Since so many people seemed to be psyched at my watching Criminal Minds I decided to just leave a little note here on other things I'm willing to talk about that I like.**

**Pokémon – Played my first game at 3 years old. *sniffles* Pokémon Stadium for N64 anybody?**

** RuneScape – The most famous MMORPG online. Been playing since age 7 and I'm still a noob. RS taught me how to type too :) 97 words per minute = pwnage.**

**Harry Potter – PM me, you potterheads! **

**- Cutting it off here or it will be too long! - **


	37. Elladan and Elrohir ON - Twincest

**A/N: Guys, I confess. I started reading PowerPuff Girl fanfictions today… Ace and Buttercup totally belong together; I don't even care what anyone says anymore. **

**Disclaimer: I wanted to somehow make this disclaimer sound like Johnny Bravo but I failed. So… I don't own Lord of the Rings… Hoo, Hah! **

* * *

Dear Writers of FanFiction,

Upon the discovery of this immoral, indecent and blatantly lewd writings of yours, Elladan and I thought to write you all at the immediate moment of convenience.

Once again,_ we are Elladan and Elrohir_, the proud heir and identical twin sons of Elrond Half-elven and Celebrían, daughter of Galadriel and Celeborn.

We are not; _Elladan and Elrohir_, the proud heir, identical twin sons and _lovers_of Elrond Half-elven and Celebrían, daughter of Galadriel and Celeborn. Incest is abhorred in the palace of Imladris, and in all elvish cultures, we assure you.

The mere fact of your conjuring this makes us completely livid. More so, the fact you call it "twincest" does not help our assumption that you, indeed, have problems with nicknames.

Sincerely,

Sons of Elrond, Elladan and Elrohir

* * *

**A/N: Did anyone else think Buttercup was a boy as a kid?**

**Haha. Thanks for reading! Review, please! J**


	38. Faramir's Not So Funny Fable

**Beware, thar be long author notes up ahead.**

**A/N:**

**Hey, guys. I really am sorry about not updating this story in over a month. I know. I should have put a notice that I was going to be on Hiatus for a while, at the least. You guys deserve so much better than that. I truly am sorry. If you want to read my explanation of my absence it'll be below.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Lord of the Rings I'd somehow make it possible to shrink myself and use Glorfindel's ****_luscious locks_**** as a pillow AND a blanket. But I don't, and I can't do that…so…**

* * *

Dear Writers of FanFiction,

From what Pippin has written me you all can tell some preposterous tales, as well as create them. The the stories he's relayed to me were quite hilarious and that's mostly because of their absurdity.

But there's one idea that goes beyond the land of absurdity and steps into the realm of insanity.

The Not So Funny Fable;

My father, Denethor, and I.

Instead of writing a tremendously long rant about just how little ground this has to be even remotely plausible I decided to do this;

Here are three major factors to consider when you want to write us together:

1.) He's my father.

2.) We're both male.

3.) I have a wife.

Those alone should be sufficient enough to stop this barbarity.

Pippin and I are more probable - and he's a hobbit.

Sincerely,

Faramir,

Steward of Gondor

* * *

**A/N: **

**Am I the only one who thinks its uber cute that Pippen named his first child after Faramir? **

**Or that it's brilliant that Merry got with Megan Fox is Eminem's 'Love the Way You Lie' video? **

**Or that the show Wilfred with Elijah Wood is hilarious. **

**Or that Billy Boyd's band - Beecake, is beyond astounding.**

**Explanation: **

**Basically - I've got some major court Mojo Jojo involving my Mom and my Dad going on at the moment. I've been to the court house three times for about six hours each this month alone. And I'll be going again tomorrow, the day after. 10 Days from now and another time after that.**

**It's pretty intense. I'm sorry for not giving you guys any notice or not replying to your PM's these past couple chapters. I've just been incredibly stressed and just couldn't find inspiration to do write. But I'm back!**

**End of Explanation**

_**IMPORTANT:**_

**I am back, guys. If I ever leave again I WILL tell you. I will.**

**Being back means that I'll actually start updating again. And replying to PM's again as well. I'm also finally able to start having time to actually finish Leithio Nin. And once I do I'll be telling you all about it!**

**Question: What do you guys think of this new cover photo? As well as the ****brand new cover**** for ****Brothers in Arms****? I worked pretty hard on that one, I think it looks really nice. Check it out, you can find it on my profile ;)**

** Also - this name change is due to personal reasons. So, sorry for the confusion.**

**Review, please!**


	39. Announcement

**Announcement:**

Hey, guys :)

Yeah. This isn't a chapter, I know. It's an announcement, like the title suggests.

It may take me a while to update this with an actual chapter, as I've gotten extremely sick these past couple days. And today - it's at it's worst. I still don't know what it is yet, and I can't go to a doctor because it's a Sunday and they're closed.

But since I've been bedridden it might take me a few days to get another chapter out. I know, you guys are probably wondering how I can't post an actual chapter yet can post this. Well... all I can say is; - don't tell my Mom. I'm not supposed to be on, and to even make a new chapter I usually have to sift around the Lord of the Rings archive here. Library of Moria, livejournal, etc. to get inspiration/plot bunnies for the letters. So, sorry about that.

On another note! One of my favorite actors; Cory Monteith, was found dead yesterday evening. I had time to write a little poem and post it early this morning.

I'm officially the first person on FanFiction to post anything in tribute to his death, which is sad. 'cause I thought many other people would have already.

For those of you who don't know, he plays Finn Hudson on the musical comedy-drama show; Glee. He was just about to marry one of the characters (Lea, who plays Rachel) in real life in two weeks...

_I was wondering if you guys could go on my profile and check it out._ Seeing as it's the first post about his it's like 6 pages in. _Even if you don't watch Glee, and have never seen it - the poem's pretty good. It'd mean a lot to me, especially since I'm sick and then his death was thrown at me, so I've been pretty down._

So, yeah. Please check it out and tell me what you think :)

- Iroh's Wisdom


	40. ϟ It's Gandalf, Git ϟ

**A/N: Thank you guys so much! I went to the doctor a few days ago and was diagnosed with both strep throat and pharyngitis Haha. I actually had to edit out a rant I had hear about the 'ph' in pharyngitis being pronounced as an 'l' xD**

**Yeah. But getting back to the whole point of this ridiculously long author's note:**

**Thank you all so much for your sweet reviews! It's nice to know you guys care so much about me :') I feel like you guys love me as much as Oliver Wood loves Quidditch. (If you've watched/read Harry Potter you'll get that.) And that's all I've ever wanted in my life *dramatic sniffles* ;D**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable things are not owned by me and belong to their respective owners. :)**

**[And, yeah. If you never had a crush on Oliver Wood - you're lying to yourself.]**

* * *

Dear Writers of FanFiction,

I am _not_ this Dumbledore person you speak of.

Please, _stop_ confusing me with him.

Sincerely,

Gandalf the Grey

* * *

**A/N: You know what I'm going to say and I see you're already impatiently inching towards the little review button, just waiting for me to finish my rambling, so I'll do just that. I look forward to your reviews :D**


	41. ϟ Harreh Puttr ϟ

**A/N: I forgot to mention in the last chapter - I am doing a lot better and in a few days flat I should be a bright and chipper guurrrll again! :D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter. I do own this intense infatuation with Oliver Wood from HP, though ;)**

* * *

Dear Writers of FanFiction,

We have _no idea_ who Harry Potter is.

We don't_ know_ him, we don't _mentor_ him. We don't fall in love with his _friends_. We don't fall in love with_ him_.

We don't even know what _glasses_ are, and _apparently_ that plays a role in his trademark.

We'll leave you to ponder that for a bit...

Sincerely,

The Whole of Middle Earth

* * *

**A/N: Hah. I've been doing a lot of Harry Potter lately, it seems.**

**I uploaded two chapters for one reason - I'm going to be gone for two weeks this Sunday. I'm flying solo (of parents, lol) with my sister to Delly-Ware to see some family. Maybe the flight attendant will finally let me catch a cloud in a jar for once. I've always wanted to do that. I don't know why. I just want to.**

**I'll make sure to tell you guys of my crazy adventures when I get back! Thank you so much for your troubles!**

** Best of wishes,**

**Iroh :)**


	42. Aragorn's Gives A Speech

**A/N: You know, I find that my author's notes really do distract from the whole "DWOF" thing... but I also find that I don't really care since I enjoy having these one-sided conversations with you guys until I finally post and read your lovely reviews! *hint* *hint* ;D**

**Yup. Leaving tomorrow. Not today.**

**Decided to update 'cause... well... because I can... and because Aragorn asked me to. :^) There he is, the bugger. Thought I forgot Aragorn, didn't you? Nope, he's still here. Right there - :^) * cough *ifyoureadthissay"hiAragorn"inareviewplease* cough * He likes the attention. Don't you Aragorn? Yes, you do! Ooh, who's a cute emoticon? You are, you are!... *awkward silence* ... *clears throat* err. . . *prods at thick awkward silence with finger* yeh, it's not breaking... soo... **

**Disclaimer: Faster than a speeding bullet… Stronger than a freight train… Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it Gandalf eating vanilla pudding with chopsticks while sitting in Elrond's lap who's clad in only frilly woman knickers ? No! It's the lawyer who's gonna kick my pert arse if I don't tell you guys I don't own Lord of the Rings!**

**... That Gandalf thing I just said is amongst the oddest of things I've ever thought up. I don't even know where that came from... *shudders***

* * *

Dear Writers of FanFiction,

Below written is a speech to be performed by myself, the King of Gondor, Aragorn, this evening at a council with all whom I deem necessary to listen;

...

Hold your ground! Hold your ground!

Victims of FanFiction, of pain, my brothers,

I see in your eyes the same fear that once took the heart of me.

A day may come (never) when the "will of men fails",

when we forsake the truth

and "step-over all bonds of fellowship",

but it is not this day.

An hour of wolves and "unbidden lust",

when the "wall of denied sexuality" comes crashing down,

but it is not this day!

This day we fight!

Stand your ground!

We will never relinquish our honor!

Never find reality in the lies!

This day we fight!

We fight the author's of FanFiction!

They have won many battles.

But it is we who will win this war!

By all that you hold dear on this good Earth,

I bid you stand, against the authors of FanFiction!

...

(This is the part where if I could see you all - I'd be glaring.)

Sincerely,

Aragorn II, son of Arathorn

* * *

**A/N: Haha. I hope you guys liked this one. I thought speech edits (since it's from the speech in the movie) was kind of shoddy, but still funny :)**

**Aragorn seems happy to finally get a say again. :^D - See, he's practically wetting his trousers in his giddiness.**

**Please, do review. If not for me... FOR ARAGORN! :^) [Oh, how I love to say that and make that emoticon]**


	43. Sarcastic Legolas ON - What He Is

**A/N: Yup. It's been over a month. Smite me, OH MIGHTY SMITER(s)! (Seriously. Flame me, rant at me, shake your index finger at me and do the dreaded "Tsk. Tsk."! I deserve it!)**

**On another note - I just watched The Breakfast Club for the first time. Please, comment away about it so we can marvel in it's brilliance together!**

**Disclaimer: I own not, you sue not.**

* * *

Dear Writers of FanFiction,

I just wanted to write in and let you all know that I am, _indeed_, an elf-maiden.

_And_ a cross-dresser.

_And_ a Homosexual.

And _totally_ lusting after Aragorn.

So much so that sometimes I just can't keep it caged.

. . .

...Kind of like the anger I can't keep caged when I think of those of you who _actually_ believe this and write it.

Sincerely

Prince Legolas of Mirkwood

* * *

**A/N: Uploading this at 1:50 AM because... well... because I can. And also, I wanted to show you guys that I'm alive and not dead!**

**Sorry for the kinda-un-funny-ness of this chapter!**

**Haha, please review!**


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